Feeling guilty for being gone
Feeling guilty for being gone
I've been wanting to write to you about feeling guilty for being gone ever since I returned home from Scotland.
Myself, my co-hosts and our guests all discussed how much guilt we can have for packing our bags and leaving our families and responsibilities behind.
Even though we all could justify it and were quick to reassure each other that we were worth it and deserved it, it just kept coming up and caused me to reflect on it quite a bit during and after the retreat.
I didn't travel much as a kid. My first flight was when I was in high school, I think I was a junior, to LA for a cruise in Mexico with my friend and her mom.
I was a broke college kid and only went to Vegas and Virginia Beach for a couple spring breaks with friends, but normally worked when I had breaks.
My second job out of college I worked for a company that got bought by a startup in San Diego. For several years, I travelled to and from San Diego a lot and I recall zero guilt from being gone except when my old lab tore her ACL and I had to postpone the surgery until I had a few weeks straight at home.
But otherwise, absolutely no guilt. In fact, I had a lot of pride like "look at me, I'm crushing it in my career!"
My husband and I have taken a trip every year over our anniversary for the last 14 years and again, unless I had a sick or super elderly dog, I cannot recall much guilt. I believe we both feel it's a collective exhale and an investment in our marriage and that always feels good, not icky like guilt.
When I first started Wandering Roots, I had SO much guilt for being gone.
I was still managing a lab and felt guilty for leaving my employees and co-workers behind to cover for me.
And that guilt would multiply if I didn't make "enough" money to justify being away.
And it never felt good when someone would ask "how my trip was" or say "it must be nice to travel so much" because everyone knows those are not sincere expressions.
But I know those sentiments should never take up any of my mental real estate and never have anything to do with me, even if I secretly want to punch them in the face ;)
The first few years of my entrepreneurial journey were a constant schooling in not basing my self-worth on my income or productivity or opinions of others. That was a pretty long and hard undoing.
I used to overcompensate for not "making enough money" by spending way too many hours at my desk and the main issue with that behavior was not loving myself more.
I don't have too much guilt being gone on retreat anymore because I'm working, but I occasionally feel bad abandoning my husband during his busy season or burdening my dog sitter with my obnoxious pups for weeks at a time.
But I know that it has nothing to do with neither of them harboring those emotions, and has everything to do with me having a hard time asking for help and loving myself unconditionally.
And, realizing that this guilt from being gone doesn't show up as much for me anymore more has really shown me how much I've grown over the years.
The more confidence I have in myself and the more love I have for myself makes it easier to just be.
Not be anything. Just be.
So friend, if you are craving some sisterhood, some support in telling your guilt to kindly f off, or some time just for you, then you should join us on a retreat.
We can text each other about wanting to punch anyone that greets us with "must be nice" when we return ;)
Images by Personal Branding Maven Elise Kutt at Mod Bettie Portraits
My name is Anna VanAgtmael, and I am retreat host, travel designer, and a certified yoga instructor with a passion for yoga, travel, and connecting with others.
I believe in trying everything once. My values lie in collecting memories over things.
My ambition is to inspire and encourage you to unmask your fears and jump into the unknown.
Anna VanAgtmael | Retreat Host | Travel Designer