Losing my sweet Max
Losing my sweet Max
Written in my journal on 1/30/22…
We said our final goodbyes to Max two days ago. We initially had him scheduled for Monday but his eye tumor kept bleeding and Ryan and I both agreed that we would never be ready, but he was, so it was time. We ended up at Cedar Springs Animal Hospital and brought Lexi so that she would understand and be able to say goodbye. We had the most incredible vet that made it the most wonderful experience it could be considering the circumstances and how broken all of our hearts were. She said all the things we needed to hear, was so gentle with our Max, validated our suffering and gave us all a hug when it was over.
We are going to spread his ashes at the new property in the spring. I’m finding comfort in the fact that part of him will be with the rest of us at the (someday) new house and part of him will be reunited with Roxy and Prudy in what I like to believe is dog heaven. I am still so very sad, but we felt a huge amount of peace from no longer seeing him suffer. Watching him actively dying these past few (six?) months was incredibly stressful and difficult. I have so much empathy and also no clue how my mom is doing this with her aging parents. I’m very much dreading going through this again with anyone, like ever.
The three of us have been sleeping a lot since we let Max go which made me realize how much I’ve been trading my sleep for laying in bed agonizing over how to best care for him. Lexi seems a little depressed and more attached to me than she usually is but she isn’t anxious to be alone. I was so worried she would be and was having a very had time coping with the thought of leaving her. I know she’ll be ok with Ryan being home and she’s tougher than I thought she was. We will all be ok, it’s just going to take some time.
I leave in 3 days for Costa Rica for 2 and a half weeks. I am equal parts dreading leaving Ryan and Lexi and my house where I can openly burst into tears at any time and looking forward to a distraction and a break from the hell the past few months have been.
I thought it would be therapeutic to write about all of my memories with Max, to reflect on everything he has given me. We grew up together. We got him right after we got married, I was 23 and he was 12 weeks old. At a restaurant in Muskegon, I had just announced to my in-laws that we weren’t going to get a companion for Roxy until the summer. It was freezing in February and we went to a pet supply store after our lunch so that my in-laws could get dog food. We were completely unaware that they were holding an adoption day.
I saw Max in the arms of a middle-aged woman and am not sure what exactly came over me, but I decided in approximately 3 seconds that I was bringing him home. The lady running the adoptions was trying to talk the woman holding Max out of adopting him because he was going to get bigger than whatever the size of dog she wanted. I walked up to the woman in charge and told her that we had just lost our large black lab and our surviving dog was very sad and lonely and I wanted Max for her companion. I told her we had a fenced-in yard, several other lies, and quickly filled out the application while my mother-in-law wrote her a check on my behalf because I didn’t have cash or a check on me. (Don’t worry, I paid her back.)
My husband reminded me of all the things I had just said at lunch about not getting a dog for months, that we did not have a fence or anything for a puppy (crate, supplies, food, bed, etc.) while I scooped up my new puppy out of the poor woman’s arms (she had no idea what just happened) and walked out the door. I’m still unsure what came over me but I had to have him and I’m so grateful I got 14 incredible years with him.
He was my first puppy as an adult and we learned so much from each other. He forced me to plan my life around his needs while simultaneously teaching me patience and grace. He was always very stubborn which was my favorite and least favorite thing about him. He used to play fetch for hours. And whenever I’d feel bad for being impatient with him, he was quick to forgive me. Despite being 55 lbs., he considered himself a lap dog and always wanted to lay on top of your entire body. He loved everyone and always made fast friends.
In his younger years, he ran away frequently and once spent the majority of a day at a strangers house and didn’t want to leave when Ryan went to collect him. Another distant neighbor down the street drove up my driveway with Max sitting like a human between him and his young daughter on their razor. The kind stranger said both of his kids loved him and would keep him if I wanted. To Max’s dismay, I declined.
We would walk on our neighbors’ property everyday and he would sometimes sneak off to sit on their deck until he was let in and rewarded with treats for his bad behavior. My neighbor usually texted me he had him and asked if he could stay awhile, promising to walk him home.
After we lost Roxy, he was struggling majorly so we decided to get a puppy sooner than later. He was so disappointed in Ryan and I when we brought Lexi home. Within a few hours though, he was in love and spooning with her.
He howled like a beagle when he wanted his food or for me to stop ignoring his requests, and I’ve never heard anyone snore like he could. He followed me everywhere and always made me move his bed into the office if I was working because he wanted to be right next to me.
I still miss the hell out of him every single day but I remind myself we gave him a beautiful life and we have so many incredible memories of him to hold onto even though I’d much rather hold him in my arms.
Images by Personal Branding Maven Elise Kutt at Mod Bettie Portraits
My name is Anna VanAgtmael, and I am retreat host, travel designer, and a certified yoga instructor with a passion for yoga, travel, and connecting with others.
I believe in trying everything once. My values lie in collecting memories over things.
My ambition is to inspire and encourage you to unmask your fears and jump into the unknown.
Anna VanAgtmael | Retreat Host | Travel Designer