Feeling My Feelings
Feeling My Feelings
Where do I even begin with 2020?
The first thing that comes to mind is disappointment. Actually it’s a tie between “disappointment” and “loss”., you get the point.
After leaving my corporate job last fall, I felt 2020 held so much promise. I was stoked to devote all of my time and attention on my dream job with this little brand of mine. 2020 was going to be my year. I had big plans, HUGE plans! All of those plans were mapped out strategically with financial and personal goals accompanied by deadlines etched into the calendar. Ever since March came, I’ve been wondering if any of it was salvageable and tried really hard to remain optimistic and hopeful. But as April came and went (read: dragged on forever,) I knew there was no way of avoiding some huge losses.
It’s not only the cancelling of events and the loss of all the hours spent creating them, or even the significant financial loss, which is super frustrating and disheartening. The cancelled plans and travels and missing my friends and family are super hard, too. All of that has led me to crying in the bath tub, sure, but it’s facing the reality of how I’m unhappy with how I’ve been spending my time that’s been the real work (that I’m avoiding).
My initial reaction to stress is always avoidance. Not for super long, I normally address it and try to work through it within 24 hours. Unless it’s emotional and heavy, then I will sometimes avoid dealing with it like it was the plague. Like it was an actual pandemic (oh, the irony!)
When you can’t leave your house for more than a month it becomes glaringly obvious how you spend your time and whether or not the perception of how you spend your time is accurate. I always believed I was too busy to do the things I really love and enjoy like go hiking for several hours every single day, sleeping in, meditating for longer periods of time, seeing friends and family on a regular basis, taking my time starting my day, journalling, planning my own vacations not just my clients, and other hobbies. The reason I don’t have time for all of these things on a regular basis is because I’m not making the time for them.
Every week I make my to-do list and wonder why it’s always so long. Did I get nothing done last week? Nope, I just keep taking on new projects constantly. It’s obviously to satisfy some messed up way that I value myself but I’m over it! I’m ready to work through those emotions and move on to a better way of life.
And that is what I think has been so hard these last few weeks in quarantine, these revelations. We’ve all had time to take stock of how we’re spending our time and the space to decide whether or not it’s working for us. When you strip away all of the “busy” what’s left? Who’s left? Does any of it actually matter?
It’s all leading up to the loss of my former self. I don’t think anyone is going to get to the other side of this pandemic without experiencing some significant change and transformations are hard. Like really hard. They’re usually sad and messy, too. Whether I want to admit that or not, those are the facts.
But isn’t that what life is actually all about? Showing up and doing the work. Without it, you’re just numbly going through the motions. I know people that are “living” this way and they don’t actually seem alive to me.
So here’s to 2020 and the unexpected journey that it has brought. Here’s to the work of feeling my feelings and doing the work. I’m working on being grateful for all of it’s hard lessons and teachings. I’m almost there but I’m giving myself some grace.
Hang in there friends, we can do hard things!
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Images by Personal Branding Maven Elise Kutt at Mod Bettie Portraits
My name is Anna VanAgtmael, and I am a certified yoga instructor with a passion for yoga, travel, and connecting with others.
I believe in trying everything once. My values lie in collecting memories over things. Though we desire adventure and authentic experiences, naturally our fear holds us back.
My ambition is to inspire and encourage you to unmask your fears and jump into the unknown.
Anna VanAgtmael | Yoga Enthusiast | Travel Designer