Adjusting
Adjusting
It’s almost been two months since I quit my day job. Before I quit I fantasized what this “new” life would look like. I frequently pictured Mel Gibson in the final scene of Braveheart screaming “FREEDOM” at the top of his lungs while he charged out into an open field with his fists in the air. He doesn’t actually run out into an open field. He unfortunately gets beheaded, so maybe I should have daydreamed about something else. Although the further I get into this transition, the more I feel like a part of me died.
One of my dear friends pointed out that it’s pretty natural to have an identity crisis after making a big change. I had actually never thought about it that way before, but this transition has been like losing a part of myself.
I’m also realizing how I used to perceive myself and it’s funny (and eye-opening) what I’ve chosen as my identity. Even though I had loathed my job for years, there were many parts of it that validated me. It made me feel empowered, strong, independent, accomplished, valued, important, secure, etc. Since quitting I’ve felt anxious, scared, unimportant, poor, you get the idea.
When I do the work of sitting with those emotions and working through them, this is what it boils down to: I have valued myself based on my salary for far too long and the failures that I endure with Wandering Roots will be more devastating to my ego and much harder for me to work through.
When I was making more money, it gave me a sense of pride and purpose to be helping my husband and I build our businesses and the life of our dreams. Now I feel like I’m sucking the life out of our dreams and becoming a housewife to over-compensate for my lack of financial contribution. For the record: I believe there is nothing wrong with being a housewife, I actually enjoy cooking meals and cleaning the house (sometimes, just don’t ask me to clean the tile in the shower or dust), but these tasks don’t light me up the way that running my own business does.
Sometimes I lay in bed wondering why the hell I made such a terrible mistake. I tirelessly ask myself why I couldn’t suck it up a little bit longer so that we could easily afford the comforts that we’re used to while still reaching our goals. Just because I was accustomed to a false sense of security in the form of steady paychecks for so many years, doesn’t mean that I’ve lost my financial security. My husband’s landscape season just wrapped up so there’s a possibility that it could be harder over the next 3-4 months to pay our bills, afford health insurance and expensive cottage improvements.
Who knows though, it could also be easier.
It’s helpful for me in these dark moments to remind myself that I’m going to be ok and that I have absolutely everything that I need. I remind myself that money doesn’t actually buy me happiness and that my salary doesn’t make me a good person or a better wife, friend, sister, daughter, etc. although I feel like I’m failing in some of those areas. The relationships in my life are the most important things to me and a lot of them have been a result of starting this little company of mine.
The tendency of the mind is to cling to the negative and doubt the positive. That’s one of the reasons it’s hard for me to remember that I’ve spent the majority of this year planning and saving for this leap of faith. So why can’t I sway carefree in the safety net that I’ve created? When I get over my self-sabotage and limiting beliefs, I can clearly see that I’m safe, secure and actually making money.
Once you’ve found what lights you up, everything else seems to crush your soul and that’s an incredible incentive to make whatever sacrifices are necessary to go after your dreams. So I pick myself up often and keep moving forward. I’m taking on the new challenge of redefining myself and what my life looks like. And like all challenges, it’s been a real struggle.
Really the struggle has (always) been finding the ability to love myself unconditionally and to celebrate myself.
Are you ready for some positives yet?
I love and value flexibility but know that I thrive with structure. I’m creating and settling into a new routine that I love. I’m learning how to manage my time better. I’m learning when to say no. And I’m not constantly feeling overwhelmed and exhausted. I’m figuring it out, one day at a time and trying to take the bad with the good.
I think that sometimes that’s all that life really is; constantly adjusting to all of the different seasons. And I’m going to choose to keep showing up for myself because I’m worth it. We all are.
Images by Personal Branding Maven Elise Kutt at Mod Bettie Portraits
My name is Anna VanAgtmael, and I am a certified yoga instructor with a passion for yoga, travel, and connecting with others.
I believe in trying everything once. My values lie in collecting memories over things. Though we desire adventure and authentic experiences, naturally our fear holds us back.
My ambition is to inspire and encourage you to unmask your fears and jump into the unknown.
Anna VanAgtmael | Yoga Enthusiast | Travel Designer